I was using him.
The thought ran bold and hard at me. So slamming, I winced at the utter pain the single thought was able to invoke. The pain only increased as I realized, I had done it on purpose.
I knew his feelings for me. I knew what would happen. And I still toyed around with him.
I was a monster.
No, worse than the kind that kids are afraid of, I'd become my own nightmare. And right then, right now, I wasn't sure if I would be able to escape. I couldn't let him go. I just couldn't.
If I did, it would mean falling back into that abyss, sinking into that spiraling black pit, and I didn't like the dark, it contained the unknown, too many unknowns.
On the other hand, I was hurting him, maybe not right now because he didn't know, but he'd find out the truth; the truth always comes out. I'm not sure which would hurt him more. Telling him now or telling him later.
I stared out the window, it was sunny so contradicting to what I was feeling. Why did I choose to live in the Sunny state? The irony of life sometimes kills me.
Life, so transparent, so menial. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from it anymore. Happiness? Over-rated. Love? Childish. Money? Worthless.
I let out a sigh as I heard the doorbell ring.
It was Nick.
We had a date today. He was planning on taking us out rollerblading, something I hadn't ever done before. I wish he would open his eyes. I wish he'd see me for the person I truly am. Then maybe I'd be the only one hurt when this was all over.
I rolled off my bed, giving one last glance out to the sunny sun that was glaring through my window, and made my way towards Nick.
Oh, Nick. Do yourself a favor and run. Run as fast as you can and never look back.
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