Thursday, January 26, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Samantha(Chapter 3)
I was using him.
The thought ran bold and hard at me. So slamming, I winced at the utter pain the single thought was able to invoke. The pain only increased as I realized, I had done it on purpose.
I knew his feelings for me. I knew what would happen. And I still toyed around with him.
I was a monster.
No, worse than the kind that kids are afraid of, I'd become my own nightmare. And right then, right now, I wasn't sure if I would be able to escape. I couldn't let him go. I just couldn't.
If I did, it would mean falling back into that abyss, sinking into that spiraling black pit, and I didn't like the dark, it contained the unknown, too many unknowns.
On the other hand, I was hurting him, maybe not right now because he didn't know, but he'd find out the truth; the truth always comes out. I'm not sure which would hurt him more. Telling him now or telling him later.
I stared out the window, it was sunny so contradicting to what I was feeling. Why did I choose to live in the Sunny state? The irony of life sometimes kills me.
Life, so transparent, so menial. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from it anymore. Happiness? Over-rated. Love? Childish. Money? Worthless.
I let out a sigh as I heard the doorbell ring.
It was Nick.
We had a date today. He was planning on taking us out rollerblading, something I hadn't ever done before. I wish he would open his eyes. I wish he'd see me for the person I truly am. Then maybe I'd be the only one hurt when this was all over.
I rolled off my bed, giving one last glance out to the sunny sun that was glaring through my window, and made my way towards Nick.
Oh, Nick. Do yourself a favor and run. Run as fast as you can and never look back.
The thought ran bold and hard at me. So slamming, I winced at the utter pain the single thought was able to invoke. The pain only increased as I realized, I had done it on purpose.
I knew his feelings for me. I knew what would happen. And I still toyed around with him.
I was a monster.
No, worse than the kind that kids are afraid of, I'd become my own nightmare. And right then, right now, I wasn't sure if I would be able to escape. I couldn't let him go. I just couldn't.
If I did, it would mean falling back into that abyss, sinking into that spiraling black pit, and I didn't like the dark, it contained the unknown, too many unknowns.
On the other hand, I was hurting him, maybe not right now because he didn't know, but he'd find out the truth; the truth always comes out. I'm not sure which would hurt him more. Telling him now or telling him later.
I stared out the window, it was sunny so contradicting to what I was feeling. Why did I choose to live in the Sunny state? The irony of life sometimes kills me.
Life, so transparent, so menial. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from it anymore. Happiness? Over-rated. Love? Childish. Money? Worthless.
I let out a sigh as I heard the doorbell ring.
It was Nick.
We had a date today. He was planning on taking us out rollerblading, something I hadn't ever done before. I wish he would open his eyes. I wish he'd see me for the person I truly am. Then maybe I'd be the only one hurt when this was all over.
I rolled off my bed, giving one last glance out to the sunny sun that was glaring through my window, and made my way towards Nick.
Oh, Nick. Do yourself a favor and run. Run as fast as you can and never look back.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Samantha(Chapter 2)
Striking the stone wall, I felt the skin burn but no pain. Why, why couldn't I get some life back into my body? Why couldn't I get an ounce of emotion to just come through?
I wasn't stupid. I knew all that suicidal junk was stupid but in between the black and the white some logic existed. It would be easier to just give up, but heck that wasn't the person I was, I was not a quitter! Pulling back my fist back once again, I clenched the fist tighter and struck.
I saw the red but the rippling pain didn't occur. Let me tell you, that really made me miffed. So I struck again, and again until my hand was a bloody mess.
On my twelfth strike a hand enclosed itself around my fist stopping it from reaching it's destination. I jerked my hand away.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was worried about you."
What a liar. I couldn't help the thought, "I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."
He stood there, my bloody hand cradled in his hands, so tenderly. He had a faraway look in his eyes as if staring into some unknown memory.
"Yeah...that's why you're here slamming your fist into a wall. Real smart, Sam."
I hated his tone of voice. I wasn't a child. "You're not my dad," I threw him a sneer, "how'd you manage to find me?"
"I know you better than you think."
No, you don't. There's so much you don't know! "Whatever."
He spun me into his arms, I kept my eyes concentrated on his chest. He pulled me tighter until my face was crushed into his chest. His embrace was suffocating, it was desperate, it felt safe. I clung tighter, winding my hands around him.
"Don't pull away, Sam. Don't do this. Don't..."
I listened only half-heartedly to his murmurings. He was sweet, almost sickeningly sweet. I wanted the talking to stop, I wanted that sad tone in his voice to go away. He was Nick; Mr. Happy Nick.
So, I pulled away from his chest and crushed his lips to mine. It was crude, it was rough, but it was exactly what I needed. No thoughts existed just raw emotions. My lips smashed against his, his hands were everywhere, mine tugging on his hair, I had no clue what I was doing.
I just knew it stopped the thoughts. It stopped time for a moment and it was these moments I would kill for. Those special moments where time stands still and things just are.
I wasn't stupid. I knew all that suicidal junk was stupid but in between the black and the white some logic existed. It would be easier to just give up, but heck that wasn't the person I was, I was not a quitter! Pulling back my fist back once again, I clenched the fist tighter and struck.
I saw the red but the rippling pain didn't occur. Let me tell you, that really made me miffed. So I struck again, and again until my hand was a bloody mess.
On my twelfth strike a hand enclosed itself around my fist stopping it from reaching it's destination. I jerked my hand away.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was worried about you."
What a liar. I couldn't help the thought, "I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."
He stood there, my bloody hand cradled in his hands, so tenderly. He had a faraway look in his eyes as if staring into some unknown memory.
"Yeah...that's why you're here slamming your fist into a wall. Real smart, Sam."
I hated his tone of voice. I wasn't a child. "You're not my dad," I threw him a sneer, "how'd you manage to find me?"
"I know you better than you think."
No, you don't. There's so much you don't know! "Whatever."
He spun me into his arms, I kept my eyes concentrated on his chest. He pulled me tighter until my face was crushed into his chest. His embrace was suffocating, it was desperate, it felt safe. I clung tighter, winding my hands around him.
"Don't pull away, Sam. Don't do this. Don't..."
I listened only half-heartedly to his murmurings. He was sweet, almost sickeningly sweet. I wanted the talking to stop, I wanted that sad tone in his voice to go away. He was Nick; Mr. Happy Nick.
So, I pulled away from his chest and crushed his lips to mine. It was crude, it was rough, but it was exactly what I needed. No thoughts existed just raw emotions. My lips smashed against his, his hands were everywhere, mine tugging on his hair, I had no clue what I was doing.
I just knew it stopped the thoughts. It stopped time for a moment and it was these moments I would kill for. Those special moments where time stands still and things just are.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Samantha(Chapter 1)
"I love you."
They were empty words, I knew, I was the one saying them. Reflected in his own gorgeous loving green eyes were my empty brown ones. Why would I say it when I didn't mean it?
"I love you, too."
Because I was selfish. I saw that he was slipping away so I clung onto the one thing I knew he couldn't refuse, my affections. The ones that he had been vying for, the ones that were barely concealed in every embrace, every smile. I knew where this was going, I saw the disaster that would unfold as the words had slipped from my mouth. Not caring, I had trudged forward because I wanted just one more moment of happiness.
Just one more chance at love.
I smiled. He smiled back.
I hated myself for the ugly fake smile. I hated him more for not noticing.
He had leaned forward for a kiss but I had turned my face so he caught my cheek. Soft, his lips were so soft, but they left a sense of chilling cold rather than the heat that's suppose to escort love. When he leaned back, he still had that smile on his face.
I wish he would stop.
I wish he would realize that I was lying.
I wish he would look at the lies in my eyes and see.
Most of all, I wish I loved him as much as he deserved.
Reality was cruel and wishes were for those who believed in miracles and fairtytales. I had faith in neither, my faith was drained, running on empty. So I pulled on the hate, I reached for the sadness and used it as my source of strength.
I didn't smile back but I reached for his hand. Maybe I was searching for comfort. Maybe I just wanted to feel a real human being. Maybe I just wanted to find some sort of reassurance that he was here, that somebody was here.
And that I wasn't alone.
My greatest fear, my one Achilles heel was loneliness. To think, to ever ponder that possibility of being solely alone in the world, it made me cringe and squeeze his hand tighter.
He squeezed my hand back in response.
And we walked. To where, I wasn't really sure. He continued to talk about sports, or some movie, I just nodded along. It didn't matter, he seemed happy.
Nick, Nicholaus, the guy was the image of prince charming with his dark brown hair and brilliant green eyes. Tall, dark and handsome but completely clueless.
I was Samantha. Or Sam. I liked Sam better, more simple. I was his antithesis. Bright platinum blonde hair almost to the point of white with dark brown eyes. I was short, jaded, and a twisted kind of beauty.
No, I wasn't always like this. I wasn't always so negative. I wasn't always so against happily ever after. But life changes people. Time haunts rather than heals. Mistakes replace memories and sometimes people turn into robots rather than cranky old people.
I smiled and nodded.
A face-splitting grin appeared on his face.
I think I just agreed to...a date?
Hopefully, it was just that. A date. Maybe I'll be strong enough to be able to let him down. Tell him, I'm no good for him. Tell the guy that he needs to keep looking for that girl that'll make him happy. Maybe Angela from math class.
...life screws with people and all people can do is nod along and go quietly like delicate little glass pawns.
Tragic, really, and if not tragic, funny. Cynically hilarious.
They were empty words, I knew, I was the one saying them. Reflected in his own gorgeous loving green eyes were my empty brown ones. Why would I say it when I didn't mean it?
"I love you, too."
Because I was selfish. I saw that he was slipping away so I clung onto the one thing I knew he couldn't refuse, my affections. The ones that he had been vying for, the ones that were barely concealed in every embrace, every smile. I knew where this was going, I saw the disaster that would unfold as the words had slipped from my mouth. Not caring, I had trudged forward because I wanted just one more moment of happiness.
Just one more chance at love.
I smiled. He smiled back.
I hated myself for the ugly fake smile. I hated him more for not noticing.
He had leaned forward for a kiss but I had turned my face so he caught my cheek. Soft, his lips were so soft, but they left a sense of chilling cold rather than the heat that's suppose to escort love. When he leaned back, he still had that smile on his face.
I wish he would stop.
I wish he would realize that I was lying.
I wish he would look at the lies in my eyes and see.
Most of all, I wish I loved him as much as he deserved.
Reality was cruel and wishes were for those who believed in miracles and fairtytales. I had faith in neither, my faith was drained, running on empty. So I pulled on the hate, I reached for the sadness and used it as my source of strength.
I didn't smile back but I reached for his hand. Maybe I was searching for comfort. Maybe I just wanted to feel a real human being. Maybe I just wanted to find some sort of reassurance that he was here, that somebody was here.
And that I wasn't alone.
My greatest fear, my one Achilles heel was loneliness. To think, to ever ponder that possibility of being solely alone in the world, it made me cringe and squeeze his hand tighter.
He squeezed my hand back in response.
And we walked. To where, I wasn't really sure. He continued to talk about sports, or some movie, I just nodded along. It didn't matter, he seemed happy.
Nick, Nicholaus, the guy was the image of prince charming with his dark brown hair and brilliant green eyes. Tall, dark and handsome but completely clueless.
I was Samantha. Or Sam. I liked Sam better, more simple. I was his antithesis. Bright platinum blonde hair almost to the point of white with dark brown eyes. I was short, jaded, and a twisted kind of beauty.
No, I wasn't always like this. I wasn't always so negative. I wasn't always so against happily ever after. But life changes people. Time haunts rather than heals. Mistakes replace memories and sometimes people turn into robots rather than cranky old people.
I smiled and nodded.
A face-splitting grin appeared on his face.
I think I just agreed to...a date?
Hopefully, it was just that. A date. Maybe I'll be strong enough to be able to let him down. Tell him, I'm no good for him. Tell the guy that he needs to keep looking for that girl that'll make him happy. Maybe Angela from math class.
...life screws with people and all people can do is nod along and go quietly like delicate little glass pawns.
Tragic, really, and if not tragic, funny. Cynically hilarious.
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